We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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