I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
