So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
then he tried to convert me to islam
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
