Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize