I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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