Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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