is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Randomize
