Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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