I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She told me I should be a condom model.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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