apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
