the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
