god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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