i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
In America we eat man semen.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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