the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
