Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
