I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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