I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just found a bag of teeth...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
