two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize