hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
