u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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