I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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