also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
