if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
