What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
