i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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