Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Randomize
