Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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