This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
