dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
