I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
