you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
