I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
