hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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