I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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