What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
