i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
