My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
