My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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