It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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