I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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