haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
