Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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