My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
