I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
