I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
