dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
