I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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