I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I think your dad took our porno
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
