DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
