shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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