i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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