his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
