I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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