I accidentally had phone sex last night
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
there was a trapeze. enough said
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
