Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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