Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
