Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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