Banned from zoo.
Again?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
