if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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