pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize