There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
