woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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