id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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