best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
