I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize