She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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