bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
