My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
