i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
